Initiating Change….

‘Monsters are real, ghosts are real too.  They live inside us and sometimes, they win.’ – Steven King

28th June was my last post, wow, doesn’t time fly past.  I have thought about writing but things have been so so busy that I guess I found ample reasons to not find the time to sit and think about things.  I would use the word excuses if I am honest, I guess.

So, honest I shall be.  Isn’t this the point of what I am doing here? Being honest with myself?

I relapsed.  Looking back on my last post of 28th June, I was struggling, but after writing it out I ended on a high.  I had told the dark demon which is my mind to ‘go fuck himself’.  But who was I kidding?

That’s right.  I kid myself.  I convince myself that I know what I’m doing, and I’ve got it down.

Have I fuck.

My partner, who is now my ex-partner, has spoken (as always) true words to me – ‘you cannot outrun yourself’.  And he is right.  You can’t.  You can’t out run what’s inside.  But I have run.  But, I think and I am hoping, in a good direction.

I met with an old friend about a month and a bit ago and had a bit of a bender.  The next thing I awoke with searing pain in my stomach, no recollection of the last 24 hours, and a petrified partner.

To cut this story short, I remember thinking to myself, while confiding in my friend that I was not happy, that I wanted to turn everything off and point blankly just not continue, that I would do just that.  Selfishly, I went home (after a full 24 hours of being on this bender) and while my partners back was turned, I overdosed on our recreational drug.  Again.

Since this episode, I visited my mother three hours drive away and came to the conclusion that I needed to be there and away from all the shit from my past and easily accessible narcotics and enablers.  This I have now done, and I do feel much more in control and healthier.

My partner and best friend, who is and continues to be my sanity to this day has chastised me, brought me down numerous pegs, and still continued to be my friend and love me through all of this even though I have neglected him, failed to confide in him and now broken away from him to all but abandon him and our friendship.

I guess what I am trying to do here today is get back in touch with some sort of center.  I often feel numb and sad and guilty, which is to be expected after the last couple of months, but I am learning to sit with these feelings and not bury them and self medicate but to feel.

I mean really feel.

Naturally and not through narcotics and drink.

Real, organic feelings from the heart and from my center.  It’s been a very long time since I have felt emotions naturally and if I am honest, been able to recognise what I am feeling and appreciate and understand them, and therefore, understand and thus know myself.

So I have taken myself and set up home (near my mum and younger sister) to be alone and to set up a life made up of my own choices and decisions, a home paid by my own graft, my own responsibilities, and herein, a maturing, self loving, honest reflection of myself.

Here is hoping that I can walk the walk.