Words From Dark Days…

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Dark patches of sticky velvet

Brush yourself off

Thistle burrs catch, slicing delicate hands

Dark gashes lay open

Sticky blood dries in strands.

Strain against pain

Sunlight through fingers

Nerve endings snap

Turn away, turn it off

Safer with shadow and familiar cracks.

Dress in sticky velvet,

Dark plays colours’ shade.

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Best laid plans…

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This blog will kind of be like my journal.  I have decided to start this blog because I have a lack of ability when it comes to expressing myself and recognizing my own emotions.  So here I am, hoping that in providing some kind of place for my musings, rants, confessions and apologies I will get to know myself a little better, maybe even start to forgive myself and move on from my past failures in life.

My plan here is to try and be as honest as I can with myself.  In doing so I hope to obtain growth and a sense of emotional maturity and responsibility.  I want to become happy with myself and happy in my life in general, I would like to feel that even if I fail generally at life in some way I can feel satisfied it was a fail in the most purest of senses and not because of some deep seated self-sabotage.

In sharing this blog I am hoping that I might reach others who are also going through some kind of turmoil and searching for understanding within themselves.  Knowing that there are others who can relate on some level and vice versa helps me to see the wood for the trees, and I don’t feel completely alone and detached.  I like the thought that I may be able to impart some insight to others who are just beginning their journey to self discovery, like some surrogate older sister or the auntie you can tell your secrets too because you know your parents would not quite get it.

Well, a bit about me.

The past two years have been a fracking roller coaster.  I don’t really like roller coasters.  I have learnt things about myself and seen sides of myself I did not even know were there or existed or I was capable of, good and bad.  I have lost friends, quit my job, started anti-depressants and had counselling, passed my driving license, met and now building a relationship with my mother and younger sister, worked self employed, left my home and old life (twice), lost (or rather left) someone who I really fracking loved, made new friends and family and found an amazing friend and lover, tried to top myself (twice), I am unemployed, starting new antidepressants (tonight), and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner.

I drink too much, I like to do other things to excess, I am an adventurer, I love food, I am creative, I love animals, I have changed my hair and hair colour too many times to mention in the past two years and will probably continue to do so, and I have about ten tattoos of which 50% are a bit naff.

So, I guess that’s about it for an introduction for now.

I’m looking forward to seeing how I keep up with this and to become part of the blogging community.

Thank you for having a read and feel free to leave any comments etc. I look forward to hearing from you all.

Ttfn 🙂 x