Initiating Change….

‘Monsters are real, ghosts are real too.  They live inside us and sometimes, they win.’ – Steven King

28th June was my last post, wow, doesn’t time fly past.  I have thought about writing but things have been so so busy that I guess I found ample reasons to not find the time to sit and think about things.  I would use the word excuses if I am honest, I guess.

So, honest I shall be.  Isn’t this the point of what I am doing here? Being honest with myself?

I relapsed.  Looking back on my last post of 28th June, I was struggling, but after writing it out I ended on a high.  I had told the dark demon which is my mind to ‘go fuck himself’.  But who was I kidding?

That’s right.  I kid myself.  I convince myself that I know what I’m doing, and I’ve got it down.

Have I fuck.

My partner, who is now my ex-partner, has spoken (as always) true words to me – ‘you cannot outrun yourself’.  And he is right.  You can’t.  You can’t out run what’s inside.  But I have run.  But, I think and I am hoping, in a good direction.

I met with an old friend about a month and a bit ago and had a bit of a bender.  The next thing I awoke with searing pain in my stomach, no recollection of the last 24 hours, and a petrified partner.

To cut this story short, I remember thinking to myself, while confiding in my friend that I was not happy, that I wanted to turn everything off and point blankly just not continue, that I would do just that.  Selfishly, I went home (after a full 24 hours of being on this bender) and while my partners back was turned, I overdosed on our recreational drug.  Again.

Since this episode, I visited my mother three hours drive away and came to the conclusion that I needed to be there and away from all the shit from my past and easily accessible narcotics and enablers.  This I have now done, and I do feel much more in control and healthier.

My partner and best friend, who is and continues to be my sanity to this day has chastised me, brought me down numerous pegs, and still continued to be my friend and love me through all of this even though I have neglected him, failed to confide in him and now broken away from him to all but abandon him and our friendship.

I guess what I am trying to do here today is get back in touch with some sort of center.  I often feel numb and sad and guilty, which is to be expected after the last couple of months, but I am learning to sit with these feelings and not bury them and self medicate but to feel.

I mean really feel.

Naturally and not through narcotics and drink.

Real, organic feelings from the heart and from my center.  It’s been a very long time since I have felt emotions naturally and if I am honest, been able to recognise what I am feeling and appreciate and understand them, and therefore, understand and thus know myself.

So I have taken myself and set up home (near my mum and younger sister) to be alone and to set up a life made up of my own choices and decisions, a home paid by my own graft, my own responsibilities, and herein, a maturing, self loving, honest reflection of myself.

Here is hoping that I can walk the walk.

melancholy

 

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Best laid plans…

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This blog will kind of be like my journal.  I have decided to start this blog because I have a lack of ability when it comes to expressing myself and recognizing my own emotions.  So here I am, hoping that in providing some kind of place for my musings, rants, confessions and apologies I will get to know myself a little better, maybe even start to forgive myself and move on from my past failures in life.

My plan here is to try and be as honest as I can with myself.  In doing so I hope to obtain growth and a sense of emotional maturity and responsibility.  I want to become happy with myself and happy in my life in general, I would like to feel that even if I fail generally at life in some way I can feel satisfied it was a fail in the most purest of senses and not because of some deep seated self-sabotage.

In sharing this blog I am hoping that I might reach others who are also going through some kind of turmoil and searching for understanding within themselves.  Knowing that there are others who can relate on some level and vice versa helps me to see the wood for the trees, and I don’t feel completely alone and detached.  I like the thought that I may be able to impart some insight to others who are just beginning their journey to self discovery, like some surrogate older sister or the auntie you can tell your secrets too because you know your parents would not quite get it.

Well, a bit about me.

The past two years have been a fracking roller coaster.  I don’t really like roller coasters.  I have learnt things about myself and seen sides of myself I did not even know were there or existed or I was capable of, good and bad.  I have lost friends, quit my job, started anti-depressants and had counselling, passed my driving license, met and now building a relationship with my mother and younger sister, worked self employed, left my home and old life (twice), lost (or rather left) someone who I really fracking loved, made new friends and family and found an amazing friend and lover, tried to top myself (twice), I am unemployed, starting new antidepressants (tonight), and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner.

I drink too much, I like to do other things to excess, I am an adventurer, I love food, I am creative, I love animals, I have changed my hair and hair colour too many times to mention in the past two years and will probably continue to do so, and I have about ten tattoos of which 50% are a bit naff.

So, I guess that’s about it for an introduction for now.

I’m looking forward to seeing how I keep up with this and to become part of the blogging community.

Thank you for having a read and feel free to leave any comments etc. I look forward to hearing from you all.

Ttfn 🙂 x