Dark patches of sticky velvet
Brush yourself off
Thistle burrs catch, slicing delicate hands
Dark gashes lay open
Sticky blood dries in strands.
Strain against pain
Sunlight through fingers
Nerve endings snap
Turn away, turn it off
Safer with shadow and familiar cracks.
Dress in sticky velvet,
Dark plays colours’ shade.
I slept like a baby last night. It was a bit of an effort waking up and being coherent but I feel pretty OK, which is a relief.
In the past I was becoming a very light sleeper, I could not settle, I would wake after about 4 hours and I had developed night sweats which were actually quite bad. This started after I was prescribed very strong antibiotics for PID, and, I have since discovered, because of my self medicating with a certain recreational drug. But even after the antibiotics finished, the sweats continued. I was also becoming very detached, my thoughts where spiraling again, and I would question everything. I have managed to stave off self harming, though. This is about 5-6 months now, I think.
I guess I had worked myself up a bit about the Mirtazapine (I think I had spelt the name incorrectly in the last post, apologies) antidepressants, which is silly as I have not exactly been on top of late so I should be eager to try something new, however, all of this stuff is pretty scary to be honest.
I remember when I was first on Sertraline 50mg then to 100mg I was full of energy, practically buzzing and hyper. It wore off after a while and leveled out, as they are meant to, and I started slipping back into the Dark Side. I still felt like I was on a safer level than before the antidepressants, however, I was self medicating and still breaking down inside, and I had started to self harm. I upped my own dose from 100mg to 150mg and then again to 200mg. The doctors did not say much about that, I was moving house during both those times so I guess they couldn’t anyway.
On paper it seems like it could be really helpful for me. I self medicate too much with alcohol, I use recreational drugs, and at this point, I have not used a certain drug now for two days (another story for another time), although I have been drinking to help with the dependency. I was a bit concerned that Mirtazapine is a sedative, but I think now that this will probably help with my feelings of restlessness and displacement. I have also had trouble with concentration and focus, hopefully it will help with this, too.
Which is another reason why I chose to start this blog. I need to find an outlet and something that will help me channel my energy. I like to paint and make my own clothes, or little items for people, like electric cigarette cases or purses. However, I have three or four things that still are not finished and I haven’t picked up a paint brush in months. Except to paint the house that I have just moved into, which does not quite count.
I believe that everyone needs to have something to work on, to perfect and to look forward to. Something that is just theirs to watch grow beneath their hands. That something, whatever it may be, breaks the monotony of this everyday life that most of the time is us straining ourselves for some other fracker, and to no real end other than to know that there should, hopefully, be enough at the end of the month to keep the roof over our heads and some tins in the cupboard for our children.
In breaking that monotony, and accomplishing something for ourselves, however slight it may be, keeps that little light inside of us from being fully extinguished.
As they used to say; ‘There is no such word as Can’t’ 😉
Jen, 27, was adopted at birth after being born with no legs due to a genetic birth defect. She was taken in by a family with three sons and they raised her exactly the same… they taught her that there are no limitations.
So, Jen was drawn to sports and despite her disability she excelled in gymnastics. Jen competed in the Junior Olympics and won a State Championship in tumbling competing against able-bodied people.
At 6 years old Jen idolized American Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu, and came to learn later on in life that Dominique was actually her sister. Whaaa?!?! How about that for a plot twist, haha!
Now Jen works as an acrobat, aerialist and motivational speaker and has toured with Britney Spears, performing acrobat routines.
Jen says: “Although people I’ve just met are always amazed by what I can do, outside of work my friends say they forget that I’m any different. I use a wheelchair to get around but I feel happiest performing acrobatic feats and hanging from silk threads. Right now I’m living my dream – traveling the world and connecting with people from all walks of life. My latest challenge is learning to dance – something I was never sure I’d be able to do. Working with a professional dancer, I’m choreographing a routine which incorporates my aerialist skills.
We are all born with unique gifts and talents and I want to show people we can use them to change lives.
Finding out my idol was my long lost sister was just the beginning, my life has been about making the impossible, possible.”
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/gymnast-no-legs-tells-joy-4623666
This blog will kind of be like my journal. I have decided to start this blog because I have a lack of ability when it comes to expressing myself and recognizing my own emotions. So here I am, hoping that in providing some kind of place for my musings, rants, confessions and apologies I will get to know myself a little better, maybe even start to forgive myself and move on from my past failures in life.
My plan here is to try and be as honest as I can with myself. In doing so I hope to obtain growth and a sense of emotional maturity and responsibility. I want to become happy with myself and happy in my life in general, I would like to feel that even if I fail generally at life in some way I can feel satisfied it was a fail in the most purest of senses and not because of some deep seated self-sabotage.
In sharing this blog I am hoping that I might reach others who are also going through some kind of turmoil and searching for understanding within themselves. Knowing that there are others who can relate on some level and vice versa helps me to see the wood for the trees, and I don’t feel completely alone and detached. I like the thought that I may be able to impart some insight to others who are just beginning their journey to self discovery, like some surrogate older sister or the auntie you can tell your secrets too because you know your parents would not quite get it.
Well, a bit about me.
The past two years have been a fracking roller coaster. I don’t really like roller coasters. I have learnt things about myself and seen sides of myself I did not even know were there or existed or I was capable of, good and bad. I have lost friends, quit my job, started anti-depressants and had counselling, passed my driving license, met and now building a relationship with my mother and younger sister, worked self employed, left my home and old life (twice), lost (or rather left) someone who I really fracking loved, made new friends and family and found an amazing friend and lover, tried to top myself (twice), I am unemployed, starting new antidepressants (tonight), and I have no idea what is going to be around the corner.
I drink too much, I like to do other things to excess, I am an adventurer, I love food, I am creative, I love animals, I have changed my hair and hair colour too many times to mention in the past two years and will probably continue to do so, and I have about ten tattoos of which 50% are a bit naff.
So, I guess that’s about it for an introduction for now.
I’m looking forward to seeing how I keep up with this and to become part of the blogging community.
Thank you for having a read and feel free to leave any comments etc. I look forward to hearing from you all.
Ttfn 🙂 x
Zenosyne Confessions 